Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Top of the Food Chain

Welcome to Talentless Troll's Biology 101. Please, have a seat.

I'm sure most of you have either said, or heard people say, that Humans are the top of the food chain. Well, I got news for you. WE FUCKING AREN'T!

More specifically, Humans as a biological being are not. What makes us the top of the food chain is our use of tools. Take away the tools and all we can do is run the fuck away from whatever is trying to eat us.

Imagine, if you will, that you are at the coliseum. Actually you are IN the coliseum, as in you will be the entertainment. You are also completely unarmed, with nothing to use as a weapon or a distraction. Now a gate opens and in comes a grizzly bear, thats been prodded in the testicles with a cattle prod. This bear is fucking pissed. You are the only thing it sees. For all intents and purposes, you're fucked. Sure, you might be able to run a bit, but in the end the bear is going to fucking kill you.

Now, if Humans really are at the top of the food chain, you should be able to kill the bear with your bare hands. Fat chance.

Scenario two: Pretty much the same scenario as the last, only this time you have a spear. The results don't change. The bear still fucking kills you. But you actually put up a fight this time. You may have even wounded the bear slightly. But honestly, you've never used a spear in your life. You're more than likely not going to have the strength to do heavy damage to the bear.

Whats that? Adrenaline you say? Alright, yes, adrenaline can give you more strength, since you are fighting for your life. However adrenaline = "fight or flight." No where does it teach you how to use a weapon. Now lets say you actually manage to jab the bear in the shoulder or such. Well, the bear was already pissed from being shocked in the balls, now you injured. Now, its not just pissed, its FUCKING PISSED.

Keep in mind that this is a coliseum, its an elliptical shape, there are no corners, so even if you tried to go on the defensive, there's really no where to defend yourself. You can't hide in the corner and let the bear's blind charge impale itself on the spear. You might hit the bear a few times as it tries to get you, but the bear will learn, and ultimately, fucking kill you.

In the end the bear fucking kills you, though you were able to injure the bear, and maybe the bear even dies from its injuries. Bottom line, you are fucking dead.

Even with tools, Humans aren't necessarily the top of the food chain. The person wielding the tool has to know how to use a the tool.

Scenario three. Same as the previous, only you have a gun. The bear comes at you, you point the gun and pull back on the trigger. Nothing happens. You've never handled a gun before in your life, much less used one. The safety was on. The bear fucking kills you.

Okay that scenario was just a joke, but it reiterates the fact that a tool is useless if you don't know how to use it.

Final scenario. You have a gun, the safety is off. You shoot the bear. The bear doesn't die, but it slows it down. You shoot the bear again, still slower. Finally the third shot kills the bear.

I really should throw in a few extra scenarios about how since you've never fired a gun in your life that you miss each shot and the bear fucking kills you, but this post is getting pretty long as it is.

Bottom line: Humans are NOT the top of the food chain, but the tools we have are. Or something. Humans suck, and if it weren't for our use of tools, we'd be fucking dead.

Class dismissed.

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